Monster Foot

This post is not a normal post, but my wife has bugged me to write about it. I will write about the football clinic with the Steelers and my andventures with Steely McBeam soon.

This is the story of Monster Foot

It all started a little over two years ago. It was during finals week at the end of my junior year of college and some of my friends and I went on a late night hike around the reservoir. It was a beautiful night for a hike... or so we thought.

I walked along with my friends laughing and reminiscing about the year that had seemingly flown by faster than the year before. As the night wore on we decided to return back to school and get a few hours of sleep before our final finals. On our way back we came across a large swampy mud puddle with a thin board laying across the murky mess. One by one we stepped onto and off the board. Everyone seemed to to this with relative ease, but when I stepped onto the board my foot became stuck. I lifted my foot and the board rose into the air. The board was nailed to my foot. This is not a figure of speech. A nail sticking out of the board was now in my foot. In more shock than pain I placed my other foot firmly on the board and pried the nailed foot off the board. I immediately went to the ER and they performed an x-ray, gave me a tetanus shot and assured me my foot patched up nicely. But little did they know a monster was born beneath my skin.

Now fast forward eighteen months. In this time I married and moved to Pittsburgh; all the while a monster slowly grew in my foot. Starting out I barely even noticed the little lump on the bottom of my fat foot. It never impeded my walking, but if I poked at it I could feel a little hard speck under the skin. Thinking it may be a wart I decided to attack the little guy with some good ol' Dr. Scholl's. This battle went on for several weeks each day taking off a little more skin, but each day the little speck remained buried in my foot. The little speck persisted until I ran out of Dr. Scholl's. Getting fed up with the whole process, I stopped attacking my foot and hoped the speck would remain just a speck and leave it at that. But I was sorely mistaken.

The speck did not remain speck but soon grew, slowly taking ground and ravaging my foot. What was once my foot now became the lair of a monster which bulged under my skin. It soon felt like an alien trying to rip through my flesh. I could only imagine the devastating havoc caused if I did not redouble my efforts and attack it once again. With my imagination firing off images of my foot slowly devouring the rest of my body, I went and bought another box of Dr. Scholl's, Compound W, and Duct tape. Over the next couple of week I strategically advanced on the monster peeling off multiple layers of skin at time. Through many a sweat and tears I finally came upon the eye of the monster. Now when I looked at the bottom of my foot my enemy looked back at me. I saw a little white ball peeking out at me surrounded by a trench of skin, but that was only the tip of the iceberg. I continued the good fight and the eye on my foot got bigger and bigger. Soon it began to move around in my foot like the little track ball on a blackberry. With this development I knew it was now or never. My wife now came along side me. As I pushed down on the skin built up around the monster my wife pulled at it with a pair of tweezers. Grinding my teeth and turning my head away my wife gave one mighty tweeze and out popped the monster (and a little blood). The monster in my foot was no more. A little white, rubbery ball a centimeter in diameter is now dead.

Epilogue
My foot now feels great. It feels like new and the crater left by the monster has filled in nicely thanks to some off brand Neosporin.